i am so

not quite in toronto. i got charmed along the way and haven't managed to leave winnipeg for a week. i kept extending my departure date by a day, till today when i actually went down to the bus station. chris + kell have been really awesome, letting me sleep in kell's awesome tall bed, sharing lovely meals, the double headed pervy shower, cheap poolhalls, renegade swimming, chris' bike with no brakes (i've always wanted to be unstoppable), itunes driving kell insane owyn + chris darude dance party (wwdd?). we went to see venetian snares last night but chris had to cut out early due to work. danced a bunch and splashed lots of beer on leeanne (aka beerwolf). leeanne's brother dylan asked if he could come with me to toronto, but i don't think there's room in my bag.

for the most part i've been feeling pretty good since being back in canada. it seems like where i'm supposed to be right now. i just didn't seem to find the same kinds of connections with kids in england like the ones i find here, though maybe it's just me or the freak anomoly calgary. i always leave calgary with a lighter heart. well mostly. i definitely started slipping back into old patterns and back down that meandering meth highway of emaciated, isolated endings. do me no good you dirty dirty drug. there were a few people i didn't get to see as much as i would have liked to, but i started feeling like a bit of a grey cloud near the end. it was probably time to leave, i almost started working at the planet again.

so i've also been contemplating going on anti-depressants, mostly for anxiety, and for those sometimes wanna die feelings. i hear effexor is good, but pricey, and like most anti-depressants can have weird side effects. what's your guys experience?

also, something got brought up in calgary about me, by someone who's opinion i value, which is that i have a tendency to be overly sexual in my regular interactions with many people and often fail to recognize people's body language that it isn't always appropriate/wanted. looking at my own behaviour, i think i totally see it and how i could make people feel uncomfortable with it. and why i have so few straight male friends. i'm pretty sure i do it unconsiously, and that it's tied in with my general social awkwardness and insecurity (which is all shit i need to work on). i want lots to be way more conscious of it, and just be better at checking in with other people. i think there's lots of shit in my personality that i would like to be better about and in some ways i think it's good that things like this come up, so that i have the opportunity to see how my behaviour affects others. i think people don't call me on shit enough and probably i need to get better at recognizing these things in myself. if you kids have insights/observations let me know.

off to t.o. tomorrow. i think christopher is going to pick me up from the bus station unless he leaves for trainhopping early. i'm super pumped to see my new house, christopher says it's beautiful. also, from what i hear, my housemates are all awesome. i'm excited to meet them, go biking, go look for a job, paint my room, leap into christopher's arms, dig into a city i've never even seen. love.